As a baby, poor Norbit is abandoned on the doorstep of the Golden Wonton Chinese Restaurant and Orphanage. There he is raised by Mr. Wong, a man who aspires to be a traditional whale hunter, harpoon and all. Norbit’s closest friend growing up is another orphan named Kate, who is never quite able to teach him how to ride a bicycle. They are separated when she is finally adopted into a family. Norbit then falls into the clutches of Rasputia, an obese playground bully. Years later, they eventually marry. Not that it stops the bullying. The excitement starts when Kate returns to town as an adult, and both she and Norbit discover that there are still sparks between them.

Whew! Where to start? My mother told me that if I have nothing good to say I should say nothing at all. Sadly, my editor didn’t buy that argument. Next I attempted to fall back on my innate ability to find something good about nearly anything. I confess, I feel so defeated.

At first glance this is another of what have become Eddie Murphy’s bread-and-butter movies, wherein he plays multiple roles made possible by extensive make-up and special effects. In Norbit he plays not only the title role, but Rasputia and Mr. Wong as well. Generally speaking, in the past I’d thought he’d done this type of thing fairly effectively. It really doesn’t work here. The make-up and prosthetics work just fine, but Eddie’s heart doesn’t seem to be in it this time around.

Norbit has a mean-spirited tone from the opening scene of the infant Norbit being thrown from a moving car, and it never lets up from there. The characters are a collection of the worst stereotypes one can imagine seeing onscreen. The humor, if that’s what you choose to call it, is drawn from the lowest variety of fat jokes, racial caricatures, and insults. What few chuckles I was able to summon up were due to the antics of two pimps, played by Eddie Griffin and Katt Williams. Rounding out the list of “big names” in the cast are Thandie Newton as Kate and Cuba Gooding, Jr., as her fiancé, Deion. The role of Kate doesn’t require much acting, so I’m guessing that Thandie was cast for her rail-thin body, in stark contrast to the outrageously large Rasputia. We know Cuba can act from previous roles, but frankly he’s just wasted here.

Honestly, when the pimps are the best part of the movie, there is clearly a problem. This movie is just fundamentally bad. Eddie can’t pass on the blame here though; the story is credited to him and his older brother Charlie. There is no redeeming moment, no pay-off that makes sitting through Norbit worthwhile. In the end, I just wanted the movie to be over so I could leave.

I think Richard Gant, as the town minister, sums things up with what may have been the best line in the movie: “Awkward.” I agree, and I suggest that everyone just skip this one all together.

Norbit is rated PG-13 for “crude and sexual humor, some nudity and language.” I was surprised by this. I would have guessed that it was rated R. The language is fairly pervasive and the crude humor frequent. This is definitely one you want to think twice about before taking your kids.

Courtesy of a local publicist, Michael attended a promotional screening of Norbit.